"Shattered dreams open the door to better dreams, dreams that we do not properly value until the dreams that we improperly value are destroyed. Shattered dreams destroy false expectations, such as the "victorious" Christian life with no real struggle or failure. They help us discover true hope. We need the help of a shattered dream to put us in touch with what we most long for, to create a felt appetite for better dreams. And living for the better dreams generates a new, unfamiliar feeling that we eventually recognize as joy."

-Larry Crabb

I just started reading one of my favorite books, Shattered Dreams, by Larry Crabb, again (for probably the third time.) Every time I read this book I learn something new, something more about God’s love for me. Here is a story that the author shares in the beginning of the book. It makes so much sense to me. I think it speaks a lot about God’s constant love and about our response. In the midst of devastating circumstances we can choose to worship God or attempt to do things on our own. This story reminds me that the first choice is always the greatest.

The man’s life was pleasant. So was his worship. The two always go together.
God was not pleased. So He allowed the man’s life to become unpleasant. The man responded at once with shock. “How can this be? How could this happen in my life?”
Beneath the shock, the man was smug. But he could not see it. He thought it was trust. “This will soon pass. God is faithful. Life will again be pleasant.” His worship remained shallow.
God was not pleased. So he allowed more unpleasant things to happen in the man’s life.
The man tried hard to handle his frustrations well, like someone who trusted God. “I will be patient,” he resolved.
But he didn’t notice that his efforts to be patient grew out of the conviction that a pleasant life was his due. He did not hear his own heart saying, “If I’m patient, God will make things pleasant again. That’s his job.”
His worship became a way to convince God to restore his pleasure.
God was not pleased. So He pulled back His hedge of protection around the man a little farther. The man’s life became miserable.
The man got angry. God seemed unmoved, indifferent, uncaring. Heaven’s door slammed shut. The man knew he could not pry it open.
He could think only of better days—not of better days coming, but of better days before, days that no longer were and that showed no signs of returning.
His highest dreams were a return to those days, to the pleasant life he once knew, when he felt what he had called joy.
He could not imagine a higher dream than going backward to what once was. But he knew life never moved backward. Adults never become children again. Old people never recover the energy of their most productive years.
So he lost hope. God had withdrawn His blessing, and there was no indication that He would change His mind.
The man fell into depression. His worship stopped.
God was not pleased. So He released forces of hell into the man’s life.
Temptations that formerly were manageable now became irresistible. The pain of living was so great that the pleasure of temptations afforded, relief really, seemed reasonable and necessary. But after the pleasure came a new kind of pain, a kind of pain that covered his soul with a fog that not even the brightest sun could penetrate.
The man could see only his pain. He could not see God. He thought he could, but the god he saw was one whose job it was to relieve pain. He could imagine this god, but he could not find him.
He addressed the only god he knew. He begged for help. Beneath his words of pleading he could almost hear what his heart was saying, “You owe me help. I will never believe I deserved all this to happen. This pain is not my fault. It’s yours.”
His worship had always taken the form of a demand, but now the demand was so obvious the man could almost recognize it.
God was not pleased. So He let the struggles continue. And God allowed new troubles to come into the man’s life.
In the part of the man’s heart that dreamed his greatest dreams, he had been certain he would never have to face these new troubles that were now in his life. For years he had said in his heart (without actually hearing it), “That could never happen to me. If it did, my life would be over. If that happened, I’d have no choice but to conclude that God isn’t good. I would have to dismiss God. And no one, not even God, could fault me.”
But still the man could not hear his heart speak. What he could hear was a seductive voice that made the worst temptation he had ever faced—to lose hope in God—seem noble, bravely defiant, the only way left for the man to find himself.
The battled waxed hot. But a flicker of hope remained. The man held on to his faith. Even as he did, he could not hear his heart saying, “I have every right to give up on my faith. But I’m choosing the truly noble way. I still believe in You. I still believe You’re there and that my highest hopes for joy—whatever hopes are left—lie with you. Does that impress you? If not, my God, what does?”
His worship was more desperate than ever. But it was still proud.
God was not pleased. So He allowed the man’s trials to continue and his pain to remain unabated. God kept His distance from the man. He provided no comfort, no tangible reason to hope. It was difficult for God not to make everything better in the man’s life. It was even more difficult for Him not to appear directly to the man and assure Him of His presence.
But He didn’t. God had a greater dream for the man than a return to a pleasant life. He wanted the man to find true joy. He longed to restore the man’s hope for what mattered most. But still the man did not know what that was.
The fog around the man’s soul thickened until he could feel it, like walls closing in. All that was left was mystery; there was fear certainly, even terror, but more acute was the sense of mystery, the mystery of a bad life and a good God.
Where was He? When the man became most aware of his need for God, God disappeared. It made no sense. Was God there or not? If He was, did He care? Or didn’t He?
The man could not give up on God. He remembered Jacob. So he began to fight. But he fought in the dark, a darkness so deep that he could no longer see his dreams of a pleasant life.
In deep darkness, you cannot see. But you can hear. He could hear for the first time what his heart was saying.
“Bless me!” he cried. From his deepest soul, he could hear words reflecting a resolve that would not let go of God.
“Bless me! Not because I am good, but because You are good. Bless me! Not because I deserve Your blessing, but because it is Your nature to bless. You really can’t help Yourself. I appeal not to who I am. You owe me nothing. I appeal only to who You are.”
He still saw his pain. But now he saw God. And the cry for blessing was no longer a demand for a pleasant life. It was a cry for whatever God wanted to do, for whoever He was. The man felt something different. It was the beginning of humility. But the very fact of what it was kept him from seeing what it was.
The man had forgotten and discovered his desire for God. He did not find God right away, but he had hope, hope that he might experience what his soul most deeply longed for.
Then he saw it. Fresh water bubbled up from a spring in the desert of his soul, and he saw it. It was a new dream. He could see its contours take shape. It was a dream of actually knowing God and representing Him in an unpleasant world. The dream took on a specific focus; he could know God and represent God to others in a way that was his way and not someone else’s. It felt like coming home.
He realized immediately that his power to speak on behalf of God to others in the midst of their unpleasant lives depended on his speaking from the midst of his own unpleasantness. He had never before felt grateful for his troubles.
His suffering became to him a doorway into God’s heart. He shared God’s pain in His great project of redemption. Suffering together for a single cause made him feel closer to God.
A new thought occurred to him. “I will join with whatever forces are opposed to the root of this unpleasantness. I will ally with goodness against evil. I will not wait to see more clearly; what my hand finds to do, I will do. But I will stay close to the spring. My soul is thirsty. A pleasant life is not water for my soul; whatever comes from God—whoever is God--this is the only true water. And that is enough.
The man worshiped God, and God was pleased. So God kept the water bubbling up out of the spring in the man’s soul. When the man didn’t drink every morning from that spring or return every evening to drink again, his thirst became intolerable.
Some things in his life got better. Some things stayed the same. Some things got worse.
But the man was dreaming new dreams, greater than a pleasant life. And he found courage to pursue them. He was now a man with hope, and his hope brought joy.

God was very pleased. So was the man.

From the Book, Shattered Dreams, by Larry Crabb.

A Year in Review

Here’s a semi-random list of some highlights (with pictures, for you visual learners out there) from my 2008. It was a year filled with transition, change, excitement, growth and learning beginning with:

• New Year’s in Florida with Jen.
  

• My first kiss (I’m a girl, this is a big deal)
• My last semester living with my roommate of three years! (I could cry just thinking about it. Love you, Little Debbie!)

• Start of my final semester of college.

• Began my ministry internship at Lakeview Wesleyan Church.

• Job search.
• Spring Break with my dad (Daytona Bike Week ’08)

• Fell in love for the first time.
• Visited Southeast Christian.

• Offered a job at Fall Creek Wesleyan Church.
• Offered a job at Southeast Christian.
• Accepted the job at Fall Creek.
  
• Graduation!

• Drove off the lot in my brand new Scion tc!

• Stood with my best friends as they married each other.
  

• Made the PERMANENT move to the Hoosier State.

• Started Thursday night dinners with Jess and Deb.

• Fall Creek Wesleyan Church-my first "real" job.

• My first broken heart.
  
• Started paying rent and buying my own groceries!
• Made it through my first VBS as a children’s pastor-a HUGE accomplishment!

• Celebrated my 22^nd birthday with two of my best friends!

• My first official blind date (little did I know it was one of many more to come.)
• My senior pastor resigned-began a time of transition/growing for our church.
  
• Started AWANA at Fall Creek!

• Another blind date.
• Thanksgiving ‘08.

• Yet ANOTHER blind date.
• Christmas with my family.
• And ending with New Year’s Eve in Indy with Deb!
  

This is kind of a lame list but it has been quite the year in my humble little life. I tried to think of the biggest things and include them here. I'm sure if I really sat and thought about it I would come up with a much longer list of things that I learned and ways that God stretched me. I'm anticipating another year of change and growth and I can't wait to see what's around the corner

Here’s to feelin' (and lookin') fine in 2009…

On the Wings of a Dove

God, listen to my prayer. Pay attention to my cry for help.
Hear me and answer me.
My thoughts upset me. I’m very troubled.
I’m troubled by what my enemies say about me. I’m upset because sinful people stare at me. They cause me all kinds of suffering. When they’re angry, they attack me with their words.
I feel great pain deep down inside me. The terrors of death are crushing me.
Fear and trembling have taken hold of me. Panic has overpowered me.
I said, “I wish I had wings like a dove! Then I would fly away and be at rest. I would escape to a place far away. I would stay out in the desert. I would hurry to my place of safety. It would be far away from the winds and storms I’m facing.”
Lord, destroy the plans of sinners. Keep them from understanding one another. I see people destroying things and fighting in the city.
Day and night they prowl around on top of its walls. The city is full of crime and trouble. Forces that destroy are at work inside it. Its streets are full of people who cheat others and take advantage of them.
If an enemy were making fun of me, I could stand it. If he were looking down on me, I could hide from him.
But it’s you, someone like myself. We used to enjoy good friendship as we walked with the crowds at the house of God.
Let death take my enemies by surprise. Let them be buried alive because their hearts and homes are full of evil.
But I call out to God. And the LORD saves me. Evening, morning, and noon I groan and cry out. And he hears my voice. Even though many enemies are fighting against me, he brings me safely back from the battle.
God sits on his throne FOREVER. He hears my prayers and makes my enemies suffer. They never change their ways. They don’t have any respect for God.
My companion attacks his friends. He breaks his promises. His talk is as smooth as butter. But he has war in his heart. His words flow like olive oil. But they are like swords ready for battle.
Turn your worries over to the Lord. He will keep you going. He will never let godly people fall.
God, you will bring sinners down to the grave. Murderers and liars won’t live out even half of their lives.

But I TRUST YOU.
-PSALM 55

It’s amazing the way God speaks to me through kids’ devotional materials. Today I was looking through my Vacation Bible School Director’s Kit as I prepare for the summer of 2009. I came across a couple verses from Psalm 55 in one of the handouts for the kids. The handout was talking about how it is possible to be a “survivor” because we have the power of Christ. Psalm 55 verses 6-8 were included in this packet to show the kids that even some of the Bible's greatest heroes went through tough times and had to depend on God for survival. “I said, ‘I wish I had wings like a dove! Then I would fly away and be at rest. I would escape to a place far away. I would stay out in the desert. I would hurry to my place of safety. It would be far away from the winds and storms I’m facing’.” I read those verses and felt as if God was speaking DIRECTLY to me. Let me just tell you all, after my week at home for Christmas I was definitely wishing that I could fly on the wings of a dove and escape to a desert far away (to put it nicely).
You see, when I go home I am reminded of what my life used to be. I am reminded that things used to be “normal” and now they will never, ever be the same. Christmas is always a difficult holiday when you have lost a loved one. It’s so filled with memories, tradition and expectation that sometimes it’s like losing that person all over again when things turn out to be anything but "traditional".
I came home on Sunday the 21st to find my parents’ house without a single Christmas decoration. No stockings, no wreaths, no candles, no Christmas tree. Nothing. I tried really hard not to make a big deal out of it because I know that my dad is just as disappointed as I am. He tries so hard to be both the mom and the dad and I know it gets tiring for him. He doesn’t know how to decorate a house or make it feel “homey”. His domestic skills don’t go much further than his homemade cleaning solution (equal parts water, bleach and peroxide). Walking into a non-decorated house is just another HUGE reminder that my mama is gone. She was obsessed with Christmas and loved to decorate. She went a little overboard sometimes, ok MOST of the time, but I never had to worry about whether or not my home would feel like Christmas when I walked in.
On Monday morning I went up to our attic, pulled out the boxes of Christmas décor and hauled the artificial Christmas tree down the stairs. I started assembling it by myself and eventually my dad came in to lend a hand. He helped me string the lights and then I decorated the whole thing by myself while he sat in the other room, tears filling his eyes.
We both tried to swallow our sadness and act strong for each other. I try not to break down in front of him because I don’t really think it’s fair when he has so much pain inside too. I finished decorating my mom’s beautiful tree, covered with her ballerina ornaments and sparkly snowflakes and then I called my best friend. I called Jennie to see if she could come help me decorate the rest of my house. She immediately agreed and promised to come right over as soon as possible. Her sister Steph and their mom came too. When I saw the three of them, such dear and beautiful friends, I knew that it was going to be ok. They got right to work, hauling up wreaths, trees and candles from the basement and telling me how beautiful they thought everything was. Within an hour our house was transformed and I finally felt at home. I hardly had to do anything, it felt as if they carried me.
I know that Christmas is still Christmas even without the decorations and presents and everything else but there is something inside of me that aches for things to feel the same, even though I know that isn’t possible. I read the Psalm above and I can identify 100% with what the writer says. I wish so badly that I could escape these troubles. I wish that my little brother would surrender himself to God instead of running away, I wish my sister’s heart would be healed and that I could take her hurt from her and I wish my dad could feel whole again. I know that it is quite possible that I may never see some of these things restored in this lifetime. I also wish, more than anything, that broken relationships could be healed and that repentance would be made known. The author of this Psalm is right when he talks about how it's easy to shrug it off when an enemy is attacking us, but much more difficult when it is someone like us, someone we know and love.
I feel like I am constantly hanging between this stage of acceptance and denial. There are some days where I feel ok about everything, like I have just enough strength to face the world, and other days where I want to run away and pretend that the last three years have been nothing but a nightmare that I will wake up from tomorrow morning. You can only tell yourself that so many times before tomorrow becomes today and then you realize nothing has changed. (And everything has changed.) The comforting thing about this Psalm is that I see this same friction in the author’s writing. He goes back and forth between anger and pain to surrender and trust. But the beautiful thing is where he ends up. The Psalm ends with the phrase, “But I trust you.” I can look at my life, at everything that has happened and I can say that I trust Him. I trust God to love me and walk with me through it all and although it is painful, and messy and sickening at times I still KNOW that God is enough. He is enough for me. He’s all I need and He is going to bring me through. I have faith and know that this is not the end. Somehow, someday there will be justice. I may never, ever see it but I know that God is faithful and He will take care of me.
I also have faith that someday I will be able to “be far away from the winds and storms I’m facing.” Isn’t that what God promises us when He speaks of heaven? I believe that one day I will be able to see the beauty in all of this. Maybe my mom already can.

He who has promised is faithful.

Back to the Homeland

A few weeks ago I got to go home to Iowa for the first time in almost six months. I spent four days at home with my friends and family and got some much needed rest! Here are some pictures of that trip. Sorry I am just now getting around to posting them!

This is our official 2008 Christmas card. Merry Christmas from the Stephens Family!
Me and the Ol' Man waiting for Crissa after church...

I got to see my very best friend for the first time since July.
It snowed while we were home and our backyard looked beautiful! It was just too pretty not to take a picture. (Editor's Note: My dad is NOT the greatest photographer that ever lived.)

Sissy.
Jennie, Dave, Crissa, my dad and I hung out one night. We watched Grizzly Man and laughed until we cried. I'm not really sure if that movie is supposed to be funny but for "some odd" reason it is hilarious.

So, as you can see. It wasn't too exciting. Nothing overly-thrilling happened but I had a great time! Sometimes the quiet, uneventful trips are the best ones. Now it's about time to head back for Christmas!

Chestnuts Roasting...

Have you ever noticed how Christmas songs always sound so lovely, peaceful and soothing? Ha. I don't know about you but so far my Christmas season has seemed anything BUT restful, peaceful and quiet.
Working at a church is always busy but it's especially chaotic this time of year. I have Christmas parties every weekend, I had three Christmas programs for the daycare last week and have one program for my church kids next week. I attended the women's ministry Christmas dessert night, my staff Christmas party, I have a Christmas party with friends this Friday as well as one next Friday at my house. Our church Christmas dinner is Saturday night and then on top of all of that I have to drive (8 hours) home for the holidays with my family. Someone pinch me please. I feel like I am living in a neverending dream, some sort of alternate universe. I wander through the days hoping that I remember to do my hair and feeling really proud of myself if I actually get makeup on. My newest and greatest acccomplishment is this: I learned how to do all of my makeup while driving my new car, which happens to be a stick shift, in city traffic from Carmel to Fishers. Crazy, you say? Nope. Just doing what I have to do to make it from one day to the next. All the while I'm trying to balance a personal life, get things done at work, handle family stuff and take care of my own body. I am getting dizzy just thinking about all of it!
But the crazy thing is, I wouldn't have it any other way! Yes, of course, there are times when I wish I could sleep in or spend more time just hanging out with my friends. But I have been so blessed with a job that allows me to spend my days interacting and building relationships with other people. I don't want to say no to babysitting jobs, party invitations, lunches with friends or Christmas programs because I love all of the people that I am surrounded with at these events. I go and I do what I need to do and somehow God has allowed me to be mentally present at each and every thing. He has taught me how to live in the moment and enjoy things as they happen. What a gift! I am learning not to stress about the small things. (They always get done.) But rather, I am soaking in every minute of this crazy time. Sure, I haven't bought a single Christmas gift yet but I'm sure I will find the time I need.
I encourage you to stop, relax and enjoy your holiday season. Soak in every minute and enjoy the days as they fly by. 2008 is almost over!
I wonder what's coming in the year that lies ahead...

Field of Dreams.

I love living in Indy. I have a great life here. Great friends. Great job. Awesome church. Beautiful apartment. It’s all very surreal. But there are still days when I miss my humble upbringing I Waterloo, Iowa. I’m sure some of you are thinking, “Why? Iowa sounds lame.” And let me be the first to say, you are right. Iowa is a pretty bland place…but it’s my home. I’m not a huge fan of cattle and cornfields but I am a huge fan of the people that live there. A piece of my heart is in Iowa and a lot of my love belongs to these people:
The FAMILY

This is my dad. A lot of people have told me that I have the best dad in the world and I have to agree. He listens to me when I talk about boys, he gives me recipes when I'm having people over for dinner and he comes to the rescue when I need him to kick certain butts. He is a great dad. He protects me and cares for me more than anyone else in this entire world. I know that whenever I need him he will be there for me. He has offered to come all the way out to Indiana on two separate occasions in the last three years to beat up boys for me. I usually have to calm him down and say, "Dad. Lets just think about this for a minute. Take a deep breath." It's so amazing to know the if it ever came down to it, he would fight for me and I KNOW he would win.

When I was a junior in high school I was FREAKING OUT about what I was going to wear to prom (serious business, I know). My dad asked me what dress I wanted and I showed him on the internet. He wrote down the item number and the color and ordered it for me. Then, on top of all that he dressed up like a medieval soldier at the after party. All of the junior parents were in charge of planning our post-prom and this is what my dad looked like when I showed up with my date!

For my 21st birthday I wanted to go skydiving. Although I made the jump alone, my dad and my best friend were there to support me the entire time. This photo is a great depiction of our relationship. I was about to go 10,500 feet up in the air to jump out of a moving plane and I was a little bit nervous. My dad comforted me and let me lean on him (literally) until my nerves settled. And, being an industrial safety man by trade, he very meticulously checked all of my equipment before I boarded. The trainer said to him, "Sir, we've already done the safety check and she is good to go." My dad looked him straight in the face as if to say, "I don't trust you."

I bet most girls my age can't say that they spent spring break of their senior year of college in Florida with their dad. But I did. My dad and I went with some of his motorcycle buddies to Daytona Beach for Daytona Bike Week '08. We had such a good time! I love spending time with my dad and Rick and Maggie. I went on spring break with a bunch of 50 year olds and it was one of the best vacations of my life!

The FRIENDS
My best friends Jennie and Dave are largely responsible for the person I am today. They have loved me through some of the most difficult experiences of my life.
Dave has always been like the big brother that I never had. He has let me know that I am beautiful, even when boys are being stupid. He's let me cry to him and he comforts me by sharing words of affirmation and he listens to me when I need advice or when I need to vent. Most girls probably can't say that they have such an amazing guy friend. I am so lucky that Dave has been a part of my life. We've been together since we were 5 years old and we were raised as siblings. I can't imagine my life without him in it!
Jennie is my closest friend in this world. We have been through things together that most people never experience . Seven years ago I cried with Jennie when our dear friend, her boyfriend passed away from cancer. I saw her rise up and face grief head on. She came through this tragedy honoring God and showing the love of Christ to others even as her heart broke. Little did I know that five years later Jennie would grieve with me as I faced my own tragedy. She sat with me while I stared silently, she wiped my tears and rubbed my back while I cried. When everyone else walked away she was there. I can never thank her enough for the way that has loved me through the last three years.
We love to be girly together. I can not even begin to tell you all of the memories that we have made while shopping together. The above picture is our relationship in a nut shell.Last year Jennie and I went to Florida for New Year's. It ended up being 40 degrees while we were there. We thought we were going to escape the Iowa cold but ended up bundling ourselves up just to walk out on the beach. This was such an exciting time for us because Jennie and Dave got engaged a couple days before we left. Five months after this photo was taken my two best friends married each other! And let me just say, I take all of the credit for the two of them getting together. I like to believe that I was the common bond between the two of them. That's why they take such good care of me now. :)

So, as you can see, Iowa isn't so lame. The Hawkeye state is filled with people that I love. I love living in Indy but I sure do miss these people.

The Fighting Irish

Crissa and I recently spent the weekend in South Bend. Her sweet friend Jim took us around the campus for a tour and then we enjoyed some serious Notre Dame football on Saturday. We had such a good time laughing and being sisters. Here are a few photographs from our journey into the black hole that is Notre Dame. I swear that place is like an alternate universe. Hopefully there will be both more trips to South Bend and more photographs to come.

Here is a picture of our view from Section 20 Row 56. Great view of the student section...more on that to come.

I told Crissa to make a face of what she thought about the game. Her face says, "Hey! This was fun! I wish we could come back tomorrow!" And mine says, "Oops. I'm sorry that I ruined everyone's plans and got us kicked out of the student section by handing my falsified ticket book back to Jim right in front of the usher."

Here we are waiting for the guys to come find us after the game. We definitely got separated thanks to me. THIS is exactly why I have an overactive conscience! I can not do anything without getting caught!